Flash of Superiority (in disguise)

This story embodies my perspective from a single night. I am trying to capture the feeling of this encounter and may have taken some liberties with the telling... my apologies.

This year I chose to be a treasure troll doll for Halloween. The costume was laborious. It took two hours to apply makeup and erect my green hair, but I'll admit, I looked awesome. My shirt was just tight enough and low enough that it made my failure to hit the "Halloween Slut" mark, a tantalizing success.

I carried this pride with a swagger and smile that matched the perfect balance of sobriety I'd achieved for the night. Now consider my surprise and desperate gratitude when I found myself face to face with the smudged and drunken face of the boy I'd pined over for half of my reasoned years.

We greeted with a hug and he began asking me to compare northern and southern CA. He clearly was of the opinion that Nor Cal people were made of a better moral fiber so I replied, "People are pretty much the same wherever you go. The distribution of morality is relatively constant. It just depends what kind of culture you are looking for. Do you want the boring conservatives or the crazy liberals?"
He asked if I was an Anthro major. I was surprised since we had both gone out of our way to take the hardest math classes in middle school.
"No she's not," our mutual friend responded with an implied sort of duhh (for which I'm very grateful).
"I'm a Bioengineering major." I declared, perhaps with an unwarranted amount of disdain. I have to admit it felt pretty good when he told me he was still at our community college preparing to transfer the following year. I thought to myself, "Dude, I'll have graduated by then."

I joined the table he'd been sitting at and  I could tell he was wasted, yet incredibly curious about me. He kept saying we needed to catch up but I kept getting distracted as people joined the table with an introduction to me. One guy loudly stated, "This girl is awesome." upon meeting me (aw shucks). When I looked over next, this large, unattractive girl was flirting with him. I guess she was his hookup for the night cause she was sitting on his lap by the time I left. I couldn't help feeling satisfied with my apparent superiority. After what seemed like a five minute visit my boyfriend and co. came and swept me away. With a brief wave I sailed off arm in arm with my tall Scotchman and our entourage.

Mind vs Body

I just took up yoga with my house-mate. The only convincing I needed was a long enough pause to picture my toned physique elegantly relaxed to the soothing whispers of our instructor. Everyone knows yoga is a lazy person's exercise. After making it to a few classes I realized that to a small degree it was as pictured. What I failed to foresee was the extreme focus on verbal teachings. Our teacher often begins class with a lesson focusing on mentality. "Mind over body," she chimes.

This cliche has caught my attention because I work on the running assumption that mind and body work together harmoniously despite a state of continued conflict. I see them as equivalent to my shoulder angel and demon. I may ignore one for a time, but with this offense comes their attention seeking impatience. They  persist in tandem but despise their co-dependence.

On Childhood

I just watched Toy Story 3 for my first time yesterday. It's strange how strong of an effect childhood associations can have years down the road. As we speak the new Scooby Doo is playing in the background as some bored kid pounds on a nearby piano. I can still feel the painful boredom and meaninglessness of spending the day glued to the television. Those rare occasions where I falsely convinced my mother of illness were possibly the most miserable memories of my childhood. Perhaps though it says more about how damn good my childhood was. Truthfully the only thing necessary for life to be sweet as a child (maybe still holding true) was unadulterated companionship. Undivided attention from others with a common goal of entertainment never failed to satisfy. There was so much time with so few demands, and the only consistent one was to give the elders some peace. Luckily for me this happened in a place of magic where there were enough kids to fill each of our needs and the freedom to go along with it.

I think my adulthood has just buried the same goals and needs. In a way our imaginations have become so finely tuned that they can convince us of a worldly order. People seem infatuated with classifications and organization even though it is for the most part a result of our imagination. Maybe truth is easiest to find when we stop trying and just observe. I always thought I was learning away my prejudices as I grew but upon closer inspection it seems I had it backward. If we take a step back and let the world unfold we are at our most objective.

Marbled

Smooth and serene
cool to the touch
Translucent you seem
shape that I clutch


With beauty you shine
refractory light
Distorted are lines
before you take flight


Spin till the clash
of attack to your kind
Actions seem rash
though premeditated in mind

A determined goal
for a head wreathed in green
The scuffs that you dole
you mirror, unclean


Now overlooked
for favored perfection
Consumed and discarded
Mr. Brief Satisfaction

The Bar Crawl

A month ago I accompanied two friends for their 21st birthday bar crawls. By the end of both nights, my arms were riddled with stamps. The bars had previously been an unfamiliar scene to me, which made my weekend a refreshing and curious experience. I felt like I was on a quest to get a view of the "true" American night life. I found our enjoyment was inversely proportional to the pretension of the place. Price obviously played into this but more importantly the superior atmosphere and friendliness cemented my conclusion. Though I recommend the more laid back bars, I doubt I could have appreciated them without the preceding fancy ones and the alcohol I drank there. It seems logical that later in the night you will have a better time, especially if the place is relaxing and conducive to casual socialization.

Casual... I think that is the key word. The whole idea of a night on the town is to have casual encounters without expectations. If this is your goal then I think you will see eye to eye with me.

This past weekend I revisited our downtown with a friend from home. This time we started with the dive bar and worked our way up to $9 fancy drinks. Though I'll admit the alcohol was far superior at the nicer place, I still felt the atmosphere was more inviting at the first place. I guess I should mention that my friend disagrees with me but only on the basis that the waiters were cuter and the drinks were tastier. To be honest I think they ripped us off by favoring the sugar content over the alcohol, but I suppose I have different priorities. I guess I can't give you an irrefutable conclusion but I can encourage you to approach the cheap places with a bit less hostility.

Time Allocation

All of my free time has led to a few breakthroughs in pop culture discovery. First and foremost, I am enthralled with the TV series Dexter. It is darkly fascinating while maintaining accessibility. It only took one watch of the pilot for me to want more (which is better than I can say about most of my favorite shows). Though it is depressing at times, it delivers a sick satisfaction along with hints for future growth.

Music is another area I have been focused on as of late. I've been scanning through recent album releases for gems. So far my success has been limited however I found a few which include:
LCD Soundsystem - London Sessions
Daft Punk - Tron Legacy
Morcheeba - Blood Like Lemonade
and the music video...
Kanye West - My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy

As a disclaimer I'd like to note that these albums impressed me on a superficial level and some of them are still waiting for a my full critique. I just felt like it was time to share even though I'll have to return with real recommendations...

I usually catch up on my reading while riding the bus so the short winter days have taken their toll on my efficiency. Nevertheless, I am reading an interesting autobiography called Look Me in the Eye about a man with Asbergers. He is an idiot cevant of sorts who delivers a refreshing perspective on life. To me it is proof of human adaptability despite singular shortcomings. It amazes me how the author learns to cope and build himself a niche in an unwelcoming world.

I guess that is all for now other than a reminder to you all that V-Day is here so get those chocolates in the mail. Everyone likes to receive a bit of love. Don't be a taker, share the wealth.

Active Resistance

March on the rise
a taut ribbon and bow.
Riding unbounded growth,
inflated she groans.
Influence the horizon,
battle the bends,
resist, Ferocious.


The stalemate persists.
Anticipated break,
where will you neutralize?
Sweet patience,
you decide.

Hooray for Singledom! (I think)

I officially started off the new year with no identifiable attachments. The boy I had been pseudo dating finally decided that our insecure state of noncommittal wasn't working for him. I am still nursing the idea that we were at a power standstill and it was the only option left for him to come out on top. However, I am also aware that my thoughts on the relationship may stem from bitterness at losing my feeling of control. The area of power is particularly seductive to me.

As fate would have it, ending that chapter came just in time for the new year. To celebrate the occasion in grand style my high school friends and I threw a "Hot and Dangerous" themed party. The evening was ruckus filled, and many a plastic cup was wasted. Thankfully we were conservative when it came to photo documenting our trashy attire. When the clock hit midnight the couples paired off and the rest of us grabbed our pots and pans to alert the neighbors.  Now to finish the story I must digress...

One of my high school friends has been recovering from the worst heartbreak I have yet encountered. Since then her boss developed an undying and an unrequited affection toward her. Though she has expressed this disinterest her actions have kept stringing him along. I think she formed a dependency on having him at her heel despite her rational rejection. Needless to say she is in a precarious emotional state that is only intensified by her predisposition.

Now to continue... For New Year's Eve she invited a boy she was interested in to our party. They hooked up at the stroke of midnight and disappeared outside. Quite a time later she ran back into the house sobbing as the door slammed behind her. Apparently along with the Christian faith he'd adopted while fighting alcoholism, came a determination to save himself for marriage. Unfortunately for my friend, this mindset was incompatible with her goals. The combination of emotion, sexual tension and intoxication led to her ascent onto the table while declaring, "I give no fucks!" From this stage she propositioned kisses for all. She made her way around the room (with the exclusion of one boyfriend) and finished with the song "I Kissed a Girl" being blasted... This may be the closest I'll ever come to a full blown orgy. I don't think I have ever felt so sexually attractive in my life.

Awhile later we found my dear friend asleep upon the throne. She realized her work began in a few hours so she called her poor uninvited boss to come fetch her. After crying to him about boy problems for an hour, he took her home and that was the finish to our wild night. She never made it to work in the morning.

I find it tragic the way women and men have such a difficult time finding equality in mutual relationships. One party is almost always disproportionately invested vs the other because their relationships are so dependency based. When on the receiving end, it is difficult to resist the benefits that come so effortlessly. To make matters worse their sacrifices create a power differential which can be used for further gain. Based on my view that we are inherently selfish, this can become a cyclical safety net. In order to battle this recurring problem I encourage everyone to gain some self-respect. Allowing this to happen by either enabling or taking advantage intensifies the issue. For those of you like me who are inclined to play the system: Though there are some convenient perks to your behavior, it is not in your best interest to indulge. There are always hidden costs such as losing the skills needed to have a healthy relationship, ruining the respect you have from others, developing dependence in your own way overtime, fostering resentment in the other party, etc. So my friends be strong and just say no.