Time Allocation

All of my free time has led to a few breakthroughs in pop culture discovery. First and foremost, I am enthralled with the TV series Dexter. It is darkly fascinating while maintaining accessibility. It only took one watch of the pilot for me to want more (which is better than I can say about most of my favorite shows). Though it is depressing at times, it delivers a sick satisfaction along with hints for future growth.

Music is another area I have been focused on as of late. I've been scanning through recent album releases for gems. So far my success has been limited however I found a few which include:
LCD Soundsystem - London Sessions
Daft Punk - Tron Legacy
Morcheeba - Blood Like Lemonade
and the music video...
Kanye West - My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy

As a disclaimer I'd like to note that these albums impressed me on a superficial level and some of them are still waiting for a my full critique. I just felt like it was time to share even though I'll have to return with real recommendations...

I usually catch up on my reading while riding the bus so the short winter days have taken their toll on my efficiency. Nevertheless, I am reading an interesting autobiography called Look Me in the Eye about a man with Asbergers. He is an idiot cevant of sorts who delivers a refreshing perspective on life. To me it is proof of human adaptability despite singular shortcomings. It amazes me how the author learns to cope and build himself a niche in an unwelcoming world.

I guess that is all for now other than a reminder to you all that V-Day is here so get those chocolates in the mail. Everyone likes to receive a bit of love. Don't be a taker, share the wealth.

Active Resistance

March on the rise
a taut ribbon and bow.
Riding unbounded growth,
inflated she groans.
Influence the horizon,
battle the bends,
resist, Ferocious.


The stalemate persists.
Anticipated break,
where will you neutralize?
Sweet patience,
you decide.

Hooray for Singledom! (I think)

I officially started off the new year with no identifiable attachments. The boy I had been pseudo dating finally decided that our insecure state of noncommittal wasn't working for him. I am still nursing the idea that we were at a power standstill and it was the only option left for him to come out on top. However, I am also aware that my thoughts on the relationship may stem from bitterness at losing my feeling of control. The area of power is particularly seductive to me.

As fate would have it, ending that chapter came just in time for the new year. To celebrate the occasion in grand style my high school friends and I threw a "Hot and Dangerous" themed party. The evening was ruckus filled, and many a plastic cup was wasted. Thankfully we were conservative when it came to photo documenting our trashy attire. When the clock hit midnight the couples paired off and the rest of us grabbed our pots and pans to alert the neighbors.  Now to finish the story I must digress...

One of my high school friends has been recovering from the worst heartbreak I have yet encountered. Since then her boss developed an undying and an unrequited affection toward her. Though she has expressed this disinterest her actions have kept stringing him along. I think she formed a dependency on having him at her heel despite her rational rejection. Needless to say she is in a precarious emotional state that is only intensified by her predisposition.

Now to continue... For New Year's Eve she invited a boy she was interested in to our party. They hooked up at the stroke of midnight and disappeared outside. Quite a time later she ran back into the house sobbing as the door slammed behind her. Apparently along with the Christian faith he'd adopted while fighting alcoholism, came a determination to save himself for marriage. Unfortunately for my friend, this mindset was incompatible with her goals. The combination of emotion, sexual tension and intoxication led to her ascent onto the table while declaring, "I give no fucks!" From this stage she propositioned kisses for all. She made her way around the room (with the exclusion of one boyfriend) and finished with the song "I Kissed a Girl" being blasted... This may be the closest I'll ever come to a full blown orgy. I don't think I have ever felt so sexually attractive in my life.

Awhile later we found my dear friend asleep upon the throne. She realized her work began in a few hours so she called her poor uninvited boss to come fetch her. After crying to him about boy problems for an hour, he took her home and that was the finish to our wild night. She never made it to work in the morning.

I find it tragic the way women and men have such a difficult time finding equality in mutual relationships. One party is almost always disproportionately invested vs the other because their relationships are so dependency based. When on the receiving end, it is difficult to resist the benefits that come so effortlessly. To make matters worse their sacrifices create a power differential which can be used for further gain. Based on my view that we are inherently selfish, this can become a cyclical safety net. In order to battle this recurring problem I encourage everyone to gain some self-respect. Allowing this to happen by either enabling or taking advantage intensifies the issue. For those of you like me who are inclined to play the system: Though there are some convenient perks to your behavior, it is not in your best interest to indulge. There are always hidden costs such as losing the skills needed to have a healthy relationship, ruining the respect you have from others, developing dependence in your own way overtime, fostering resentment in the other party, etc. So my friends be strong and just say no.

Kiss and Tell

With contrived acquaintance

Comes Isolation's content

Though carefully desired

Convictions are bent.

Indiscreet and improbable

Oh Notch that I've carved

Has crowned this Noble

And has us thus scarred.

A mutual chase

Unknown to the knees

Who's predisposition reveals

An inherent displease.

Doubt dutifully stored

Thy may be benign

Yet through whispers of love

Thy may be divined.

Invite the Pedestal

Despite the conceit

You may know truth

I subsist on Defeat.

It's a Wonderful Time of Year

This week has been packed with excitement and I'm not just talking about the produce.

First and foremost Halloween, a favorite U.S. tradition, was responsible for three consecutive nights of insobriety and merriment (not to mention sugar). Turns out the Sunday date made it better instead of worse. I was impressed with the costume turn out. Way to be creative America.

Secondly, The Giants won the World Series. To put this into perspective I am a fair weather baseball fan however, I am a consistent Texas hater. Therefore the glory brought to California at the expense of Texas was pure joy. Hell Yes.

Thirdly, I voted today. You should too. Just make sure you know what the hell you are voting for. I would be a hypocrite if I claimed that I voted on all measures. As citizens it is as much our responsibility to vote on issues as it is to refrain when we are ignorant. I keep trying to encourage people to put in their say, but always with this as a disclaimer. At any rate, elections are always exciting.

And finally, the produce (how could I resist). I think this is self-explanatory.

Yes indeed it is a wonderful time of year.

Artificial Intimacy

To my mothers disgust and my father's pride, I favor the greyhound when traveling to and from school. Though the utilitarian benefits are an undeniable lure, it is the people who make it the obvious choice for me. Around a third of my travels feature a fascinating seat-mate and one-of-a-kind conversation. If you ask me, that is an impressive hit rate. I am constantly searching for people to share their worldly perspective with me, and it turns out people without enough wealth to back up their pretension are easier to coax wisdom from (I'm sure the extensive travel time doesn't hurt either). The trick to getting past superficial chat is a quietly probing question. As long as you don't show too much interest they assume your conversation is just a way to pass the time. Without the worry of ties you can fleetingly become their confidant. Though your stories may be fabricated, whatever you say reinvents truth. Both truth and morals are flexible in this temporary world. Sometimes I hear myself define morality differently from my own so I can more easily identify with the person I'm talking too or understand where their morals lie. 

One of my recent companions inspired me to make this into a post. He was around my age and on his way to Monterey without money, phone, or people. It was hard to get past the smell he greeted me with, a combination of dirty hair and cigarettes, but he was very interested in the music I had in my CD player which was distraction enough for me. As we ambled into conversation, I found him to be unusually articulate. He explained how he had bought his ticket with his reserve money and was hoping to find work and shelter (I mentally checked where my wallet was stored). Apparently his parents were missionaries in Thailand and he had only been in the states for a matter of years. We stopped and compared our religious doctrines and they lined up suprisingly well even though I'd call him more idealistic than myself. He kept explaining how he was just going from place to place till he found what he was looking for (love from what I gathered). He was wildly obsessed with imagination and animatedly told me about his internal adventures. Initially he toyed with drugs and thus became enraptured with his thoughts but apparently his new focus was living in elevated consciousness from which drugs were a distraction. From there we plugged into Radiohead's Kid A and let the music take us both close to one another and yet painfully far from humanity. The dark bus plowed on toward my home, his new life, and our seperation. 


When the album came to a close we quietly discussed the emotion and experience of our listen. I mused, "Our age group is the most open-minded. I have accepted that despite any efforts, my experiences will form into less flexible opinions. That's why I am in such a rush to thoroughly examine all sides of every life question." He paused, considered then plainly stated, "Is it okay if I kiss you?" Taken aback, I brushed him off, too confused to decide.


Breaking the heavy silence, I asked him had he ever been in love. "Once," he replied. Curious I inquired further. After much deliberation he decided to tell me the tragedy of His Girl. 


He began cleaning up his life when she informed him that she was pregnant with his child. Excitedly, he prepared for their life together as a family. One night her mother called him to say she and his unborn child had been killed in a car accident. From there he dove further into drugs and contemplated suicide. In tears he explained, "I wanted to kill myself but my instinct for self preservation prevented me from following her." He then tried to re-mold his life after this experience with a painful desire to explore what it meant to be alive. Though his hope kept him going he was eternally afraid that she always would be the only love of his life.


We talked awhile longer about our deep insecurities, it's strange how easy it was to rawly lay everything out for him. After we had poured everything out, we fell asleep arm to arm. As I drifted off I thought to myself that I could love him.


An announcement woke us declaring his stop to be upon us. With a fleeting goodbye, he carried himself and his only belongings off the bus to an unknowable and separate new life.

A Time for Kool-Aid

I grew up idolizing Weird Al Yankovic for his proud jab at conformity. It was romantic and rebellious, exactly the sort of cause every preteen searches for. My friends and I continued to design a sort of cult around him and took it upon ourselves to actively stand out. We took pride in our work and responded to the label "weird" with a flattered blush. 

Seven years after our hay-day, I went to revisit our doctrine. Some part of the ignorant idealism is still attractive to me. Over these past years I have been seeking temperance. My philosophy holds open-mindedness as most sacred, and somewhere along the line I lost the edge and aggression that comes with knowing what you stand for. Generally this was a healthy and needed shift of mind, but it still leaves me seeming weak and conviction-less. Clearly defining what I stand for could benefit me even if it makes me less diplomatic. I can deal with being wrong as long as people respect my opinion. Creating a foundation of views is a good starting point, it can always be built upon and improved with the help of collaborators.

Despite my desire to become a more confrontational individual, I want to give a brief defense for conformity:

At some level we all acquiesce to society's will. It is the only way to keep order and an identifiable culture. The pressure to fit is always under harsh scrutiny by intellectuals but their constant criticism comes across as a rejection of humanity. The desire to be part of a group is basic human nature and with good reason. Back in my rebellious days, we antagonized people to the point of losing their respect. We even lost a group member who found our actions to be too embarrassing in the face of public opinion. Sensitivity to others allows us to work together to a communal benefit. If we lose sight of society we can easily be written off as mentally compromised which prevents others from valuing what we have to say not to mention the emotional difficulties of social rejection. If we understand and respect the bounds of culture others are more inclined to listen to us because they have an easier time relating to our ideals and rationale.

Fitting in is important to our success. I know most people have this internalized but bringing it to the surface helps us understand why we tend toward the herd mentality. Next time you scold yourself for following the crowd, take a step back and make sure you are acting against your values before you are too harsh with yourself. As long as we stand by our ideology when it comes to bear, it is useful to accept our conformism.